careful. (pt. 2)

she is an adult. her boyfriend has just arrived home. she does not want to upset him, for fear he will avoid her the rest of the evening, find her unworthy of his time. she tries to act nonchalant. not take up any space, energetically. she keeps washing the dishes, making her food, fighting the urge to break her rhythm and orient toward him.

"hi sweetheart" she says. "hello" he says back. he sounds tired. he always sounds tired. she suppresses the urge to ask about his day, having been reprimanded for it enough times to know it will upset him. she suppresses the urge to tell him about hers, knowing it will exhaust him to have to listen and disappoint her to have him not listen. he hates when she is disappointed, because it means she has put an expectation on him, which is not fair of her to do because he did not agree to meet that expectation. she understands. she is working in therapy on having less expectations. her expectations and disappointment keep getting in the way of intimacy.

as she thinks about all this, her boyfriend goes to the couch and lays down, starts his nightly phone scrolling routine. she suppresses her disappointment and amps up her gratitude, reminding herself how lucky she is to have someone at all. she pauses what she is doing and picks up her phone, looking for a video or a meme to send him that might connect them for a moment, remind him she is here.

she just wants to be allowed to stay. in the relationship. in the warmth and tenderness of his love, when he can offer it. she does not want to be exiled to the cold and lonely. so she makes herself smaller and smaller. she tries to exist less and less, to make the relationship work. perhaps if she does not exist at all, she thinks, then she will be deserving of his love.