careful.

She is little. The basement is dark, the tv bright. Her brother and his friends are playing a video game, focused on each other and the screen. They are having fun. She is just there, on the couch, watching. Observing. She doesn’t draw attention to herself, except in support of them. And even then, carefully. She wants to stay. She wants to be allowed to stay. So she is careful. She thinks her power is in not needing. She barely takes up any space. She’s not bad, she just sits there. Let her stay. No reason not to.

 But then they leave, and she is not invited to come. She’s not bad, but she just sits there. No reason to invite her. She takes up space. Dead space. She’s like a dead weight. Doesn’t add anything. Doesn’t necessarily take anything away. Just there.

 “Do you want to play?” One of the friends asks. Her brother looks at her with disdain. Somewhere in her, she wants to try. Wants to be in the excitement, not just watching it. But she also wants to be allowed to stay. She knows she will mess it all up if she tries. Her brother doesn’t want her messing it all up. Taking up space. He will make fun of her. He will make sure everyone knows how pathetic she is. That she can’t do anything right. She doesn’t deserve to be involved. She knows all of this. So she says, and her brother agrees, that she just likes to watch. To be there. The friend doesn’t understand, but he lets it go because her brother says to. They continue with their game, she gets to stay.

 An outsider looking in. An outsider who has just barely squeaked in. An outsider who doesn’t want to get found out and put back outside. She wants to stay in, where it is warm. She wants to be allowed to stay. Right on the edge, where they barely see her. Just barely taking up space. Don’t worry about her, she doesn’t need anything, she just likes to be there. Just taking up a tiny bit of space, if you don’t mind. Barely any.

 She is not memorable. Sure, she can take up that space, but they won’t remember to invite her to the next space. Because the space she takes up isn’t memorable. It’s just a tiny bit of space, and they don’t notice when she leaves and they have it back. Or they leave and she’s left there, in that tiny bit of space, alone. Maybe they think of her, briefly. They think – should we invite her? Then they think, no. What’s the point? She’s kind of weird, there on the edge, barely involved. Dead weight. They don’t need her. Might as well take the space back, she barely seems to want it anyways.